DEAR ERIC: My nephew, who spent summers with me for years while growing up, recently got married. While I was thrilled to get a Save the Date card, I did not receive an actual wedding invitation until three weeks before the wedding. His mom and I are estranged due to totally unrelated circumstances. I assumed the invitation had been rescinded. With such short notice, we could not attend since we live out of state. I explained all this to his bride when she texted me about whether we would be attending. I was hurt and disappointed and felt like this was more about receiving a monetary gift rather than missing me at the wedding. There was no mention of missing me, just “are you coming or not?” Should I still send a gift?
– Ghosted Guest
DEAR GUEST: Don’t write that check just yet. Three weeks is definitely very short notice for a wedding invitation, even if the date was saved. But it’s unclear whether this was an intentional slight or a bride and groom who dropped the ball. It’s unusual for people who have received a Save the Date to get stricken from the list; more often folks who didn’t make the initial round of invites can get called up from the minors when space opens up. Let’s assume the best, which in this case is disorganization.
I’m curious about your feeling that this was just for a gift. While that’s possible, unless the bride really pressed that point in your text conversation, I’m inclined to think she was trying to fill in question marks on her seating chart. That scramble to confirm the unconfirmed and get final numbers to caterers can be the most stressful part of wedding planning. Now, if she followed your text exchange with a link to their registry site, that’s another story altogether.
While you’ve communicated with the bride about this, the long-standing relationship is with your nephew. So start there. Reach out to him to clear the air without mentioning gifts. Tell him how thrilled you were to be included and how sorry you were that things didn’t work out. Leave open an opportunity for him to set the record straight, if he wants. A rekindled relationship isn’t on the registry but I think it’s still possible.
If all goes well, you still have time to send a present. Tradition dictates up to a year after the wedding, though trends are shifting. The Knot advises three months.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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